i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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