Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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