My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
