you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
