Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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