I love black thongs
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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