my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
