All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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