Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i think i have two assholes
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
