Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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