If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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