i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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