Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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