So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
