we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
