you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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