just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
