i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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