corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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