In the future we'll all be gay
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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