the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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