I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
