look no pants
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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