Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
