Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My vagina is officially offended.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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