Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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