soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
