i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
