i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
