Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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