New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize