I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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