She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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