My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
