I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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