Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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