Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
