i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
