I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
