Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
