Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
