I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
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