she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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