We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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