My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
