Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
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