He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
