I wish I only lived at night.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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