Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
