Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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