my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Randomize
